Smoke and Steel
by Lipton Lee
Summary: A loss. Luke and Jess deal
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Most of this chapter was collaborated on with the amazing Angeleyez (Elise! Me loves you!). For reasons her own she has decided not to continue with it, but gave me the go-ahead to try and write the rest... so... here goes nothing!

A/N #2: This is set two years into the future... and thanks to Lydia for the beta!

Disclaimer: Not mine! Don't sue!

Summary: A loss. Luke and Jess deal

Rating: PG-13 for grow'd up things!

**Smoke and Steel **

Four weeks.

It's been four weeks since he's heard anything from his younger sister, and it's been driving him out of his mind.

Is a phone call every couple of weeks too much to ask? Jess can manage it. If Jess can manage to stay in touch, anyone can.

He's finally gotten so fed up and worry that he makes his way to her apartment, mostly to yell at her for not calling. Really, it's not so hard.

He climbs the rusty staircase of the old Manhattan apartment complex, and his worry gets worse. He's never liked visiting Liz. He always has the over-powering urge to throw her over his shoulder and carry her all the way back to Stars Hollow.

He knocks on her door, the noise sounding oddly hollow in the empty hallway. This time, he thinks, maybe he will just grab her. He is her older brother, and with that status comes certain power. And if he wants to drag her back to Stars Hollow, then god-damn it, he will! She can pout and whine and fight him all she wants. It's time she got her life back on track.

When no one answers, he knocks again. Louder. Faster. Checking his watch, he wonders if maybe she's at work. If she's even been going to work these days.

Out of his back pocket, he pulls out the spare key to the apartment. The one that used to belong to TJ. He unlocks the door and slips inside, and calls out her name.

"Liz?"

The stench is overwhelming; so sick and stale that he almost loses his breakfast.

The apartment is a mess; so much worse than he's ever seen it. Clothing, old food, dirty dishes and empty beer bottles are strewn about.

"Liz?" he repeats, more quietly this time. He walks around the small living room, and slowly wanders into the kitchen.

His attention skips over the overflowing sink, bursting with used glasses and empty beer cans. He never notices the open boxes of cereal lying turned over on the counters, or the ants that are feasting on the unexpected treasure. Even the flipped over kitchen chair stays just out of his field of vision, as his gaze lands on the middle of the kitchen floor where his only sister lies.

Liz, he tries to say one more time, but the word never makes it out of his throat.

* * *

He climbs a different set of stairs in a different apartment building in the same city the next day.

God, he hates this city.

The apartment building is a tad nicer; the stairwell not so rusty. He reaches his destination and takes a deep breath. What to say? What to do? What to say?

This time he really just doesn't know.

He's given this kid every lecture in the book, but he's never been the bearer of bad news before.

Jess has always found out about bad news on his own.

He knocks, hoping for a fleeting moment that Jess will not be home. This can all be delayed - pushed off to some distant day. A day far into the future. Any day that is not this one.

Inside, there are footsteps, heavy and irritated. Jess looks through the peephole, very much surprised to see his uncle standing on his door step. He flings the door open, but immediately bites back his sarcastic remark when he sees the expression on his face.

Something cold and unnerving twists within him, and he pauses, waiting for Luke to speak.

"Can I come in?"

At first, the question does not register. Then, Jess gives him a curt nod and takes a step back, allowing his uncle room to enter.

Luke surveys the small apartment. It looks the same as the day he'd helped Jess move in; cluttered and messy, with books and videos lying about, but by no means disgusting. The trash obviously makes its way to the trash.

Jess watches him. He wants to cut to the chase, but he feels awkward. He's not used to guests. Most of the people who visit come by so frequently, that they help themselves to whatever they like. "Do you want anything...? Or..."

Luke shakes his head and looks the younger man over. "How are you?"

"Fine," Jess replies slowly. He crosses his arms. Now it's time to cut to the chase. "What are you doing here?"

On his way over here, Luke had tried to formulate the right words. He knew what he had to say, the bare facts that he had to tell him. But he could not get the order right. In his head, it all seemed wrong. Nothing fit together. Liz. Too much. Liz. Gone. Sorry. Right, he is supposed to say he's sorry.

"Jess, when was the last time you talked to your mom?" The question comes out all wrong. He cannot ask about Liz now. This is not how he's supposed to lead up to it!

"Like, a month ago, I think. Maybe a little longer. She was crying about that asshole on the phone... why?"

And it just... comes out. Like vomit. "Because she's dead."

Jess blinks and stares blankly.

"She uh..." Why is this so hard? "She had too much to drink... and... I found her..."

Jess expression stays the same.

"I'm sorry."

Still, Jess says nothing.

"Jess?"

"I have to go to work," he says, fighting to keep his voice even.

Luke watches him with both horror and wonder. "What?"

"I gotta go to work," Jess says again.

"Jess, did you hear..."

"I'm gonna be late. I'll see you later."

"Jess," he tries one last time.

Jess walks to the door and opens it, a stubborn move to show Luke out. Unable to think of what to say, he follows his nephew, pausing at his side. "You need to call me," he orders before disappearing into the hall.

Jess slams the door, and unconsciously leans against it as his head begins to swim. It feels lighter, almost as if he is floating. The color begins to drain from the room until the point where he sees everything in grayscales. He pushes himself away from the door, and heads for the bedroom. Halfway there, his vision turns completely black. And he panics.

When his sight returns, he is kneeling over the toilet bowl, emptying his stomach. He chokes on the acid taste.

He finishes up, and calls in sick to work. He then spends an hour in the shower. He gets out, gets dressed, and proceeds to sit in his tiny kitchenette and stare at the phone.

He doesn't know what to think. His whole body feels numb. He thinks he should be more upset by this, and finds himself feeling extremely guilty about his detachment. Then again, Luke didn't seem too blubbery, either...

But Danes men have never been known for showing their emotions.

He picks up the receiver and then puts it back down three times before giving up, shoving some clothes into his old duffle bag, and grabbing his keys.

* * *

A day later and there is no word from New York. No phone call, no abrupt visit and words of "I'm staying here." Nothing.

Nothing.

Luke runs the diner as usual, earning him piteous stares. Everyone knows, of course. Of course! He lives in Stars Hollow, for god's sake.

He fills a few cups of coffee and feels a rush of frozen wind as more customers pile in from outside. It's been snowing since his return from the city.

"How did he take it?"

Luke takes a deep breath and looks his girlfriend in the eyes. "He didn't."

Lorelai Gilmores blinks, a little confused. "What?"

"I told him, and he told me he had to go to work," Luke explains, filling her mug with coffee.

She takes a hurried sip, swallows, and still looks confused. "That's it?"

Luke nods numbly. "That's it."

Lorelai shakes her head and takes another sip from her mug. "That kid needs help."

"Says the woman who drinks around eight cups of coffee every day."

The two look over to the door, and lo and behold, Jess stands, one hand shoved into the pocket of his jeans, and the other gripping his old duffle bag. Snowflakes melt into his hair, and his brown eyes give them a blank stare.

"Hi," Luke says bluntly.

Jess nods. "I'm staying here."

Luke nods back. "Okay."

"I'm gonna go put my stuff upstairs," Jess says.

"Okay," Luke repeats.

"I'll come down to help out in a minute," Jess goes on.

"Okay," Luke says once more.

Lorelai watches as Jess makes a hasty exit up the stairs to the apartment. "Are you okay?" she asks Luke worriedly.

He nods and keeps his eyes on the door to the stairway. "Yeah."

She takes his hand and squeezes it gently.


	2. pt 2

Clarification: Elise IS writing this with me still... because I can't do this without her.

Arianna rules. ::nods::

**Smoke and Steel pt 2**

He wakes up to sunlight through his frosty window. At first he doesn't really remember where he is, but realizes quickly as he sits up and looks around the quiet apartment.

He picks up his watch and reads eleven o'clock in the morning. He shrugs and swings his legs over the side of the bed, scratching his scalp with his fingers. It's harder to get up than it used to be.

He's had the same messed up dream for the past couple of nights.

It's his and Liz's New York apartment, pre-Stars Hollow, in all its shining chaotic glory. He is in his old bedroom, wedged in between his bookcase and the wall. The claustrophobia sends him darting out the door but he never makes it farther than the hallway. He sees Liz and TJ sitting on the couch, staring at the blank television set. The sight of them together makes his blood heat up; he wants nothing more than to take TJ's head off.

Then, without any kind of warning, it happens. TJ hits his mother. Once. Twice. Again and again. Jess leaps forward, seeing red, but he can't move. It's a full body paralysis, and he can only watch. TJ is huge, strong, and Liz is smaller, always weaker than she let on.

Jess always wakes up swinging.

He hauls himself off the bed and takes a cold shower. He dresses and leaves his hair messy-doesn't care.

When he walks into the diner, Luke is wiping down the counter for what Jess assumes is the umpteenth time.

"Hi."

Luke nods. "Hey."

They stand in silence. It's their way, now. They ate dinner in silence the night before, and watched TV in silence just before going to bed, and now they stand in the diner. In silence.

Jess grabs an order pad and a pencil and goes about taking orders as if nothing has changed.

But everything has. Even if he ignores it, he can see the change reflected in the eyes of the people he serves. These same people who only a few years ago wanted to persecute him are now offering up their condolences. Even worse, their faces hold pity for him - poor boy, they all think; tumultuous relationship with his father - left when he was just a baby, you know - and now his mother has drunk herself to death. Such a shame.

And Luke has been making funeral plans. He makes furtive phone calls after he sends Jess out on his break, but Jess sees him through the window. He knows his uncle has already been up to pick out a casket and has reserved a space in the Stars Hollow cemetery. He's found the lists too: who to invite, what music to play, who will say a few words at the service.

It scared Jess when he saw his own name on there. He couldn't imagine himself speaking to a room full of people about his on-again, off-again mother. What would he say? She could have been better? She did the best she could?

She tried to love him?

And all of a sudden it hits him like a ton of bricks.

Luke should not be doing all of this alone.

She did try to love him. Liz was a screw-up, but... she tried... sometimes... right?

She was his mother.

He thinks maybe he owes her... for at least the roof she put over his head when he was growing up...

He walks back behind the counter, and puts the orders in with Caesar. He turns to Luke and shoves his hands into his pockets. "Hey."

Luke glances at him for a moment. "Hey."

"Uh... do you....?" Jess sighs. Spit it out! "Do you want... help... with the funeral?"

Luke actually freezes for several seconds, halting the cloth in mid-swipe. Beneath the rag, Jess can see how discolored the top of the counter has become.

"You don't have to help," Luke finally says.

"But isn't there a lot to, uh, do? Planning and..." Jess trails off. Before this, he has always had the words, but he chose not to use them. Now, he struggles to make sense of the fractured thoughts that surface in his head. He can barely form full sentences.

"I've got it under control, Jess. You really don't need to do anything. Just being here is... it's enough."

Both men have been speaking without looking at the each other. This new way of communication so far has gone on unquestioned, but now, suddenly, Jess is turning to meet his uncle's eye. He asks, "Are you sure?" and Luke can clearly see he isn't.

"I think I'm behind on a few calls," Luke says, finally having caught on. Jess doesn't want to help; he needs to.

"I'll get on that."

Luke gives a very short nod, and goes back to wiping down the counter, just as the bell on the door rings.

Jess looks up, and barely has time to say hello, before Rory Gilmore is at the counter, leaning over it and wrapping her arms around him.

It's a little strange, but somehow comforting.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi," he replies.

A couple of years ago, this sort of thing would be completely out of the question. One year ago, this sort of thing would be awkward as hell. Now, though, it feels fine... not like it used to... they are friends; just friends, and it has suited their needs adequately.

She takes a small step back so they are both on their respective sides on the counter. She studies him carefully in a short moment of silence, specifically noting the pallor of his skin. It unsettles her.

"Do you have a break soon?" she asks, biting her lip.

"I just started -" Jess begins before Luke cuts in quickly to announce that yes, Jess has a break right now.

"We should go get coffee," Rory suggests tentatively.

"Luke serves coffee."

"I want Al's."

"You hate Al's. Everybody hates his coffee."

"I'll get tea then." Without another word, Rory turns and makes her way out the door, pausing only once to make sure Jess is behind her.

"I don't know how to do this," Rory announces once they're seated.

"Do what?"

"Get you to talk. You never talk about these types of things, but I want you too. You should."

"Rory, you don't have to do this."

"And I know that you and I don't have the best relationship," she continues, as if he hasn't spoken at all, "but you can still talk to me. And I will listen or offer advice or... anything. I'll do anything."

"Anything?"

"Yes," she nods. "I don't want you to be -"

He interrupts, not wanting her to go on. He doesn't want any more pitying looks, any more sad words or heartfelt offers to talk. "Just have coffee with me."

She frowns. "Just... coffee?"

"Yeah. Get coffee or tea or whatever the hell you want. Tell me about work."

"I..." She pauses, watching his face. Their eyes meet, and something passes between the two of them - she seems to understand. With a half smile, she does the best she can. "It's going well."

"Good," he nods. "Good..."

They wind up talking for the better part of...well, they wind up talking all day.

Jess sighs as they make their way to the bridge. "So...how's Logan?"

Rory's expression turns stony. "Fine," she tells him. "He's in France for Christmas."

"What's in France?" Jess asks, as he shoves his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket.

"His grandmother... and pretty French mademoiselles," she says, trying to be light about it.

"You broke up."

She nods and looks down at the icy water. "We broke up."

"Any particular driving force?"

"We both have different ideas of what a monogamous relationship means."

"He cheated on you," Jess states.

"No, but he was... looking." She shrugs. "We'd been together for a while, and he just... he needed someone new."

She takes a seat on the bridge. Jess follows her lead, and she smiles, reminded of previous afternoons spent in this same position. It makes her sad then, remembering moments she'll never have again. Looking over at Jess, she wonders if he's thinking the same thing - if that's what he thought about his mother. Has he been submerged in earlier memories? Is the past tearing into him right now?

The silence has gone on too long, and both know it. She thinks he suspects what she's about to ask, but if he does, he gives no sign.

"Do you miss her?"

He's quiet for a moment as if really pondering the question. He's reviewing what he feels, what he remembers, comparing it to the correct answer.

"I don't know," he says simply. "Hard to miss someone who was never there."

"Jess, do you -"

"Come on," he interrupts. "I'll walk you back to the diner."

She wants to ask more; needs to ask more, but she knows she won't get any answers. He won't open up. Why should he? He doesn't for anyone else.

But she doesn't want to leave. She doesn't know why, but she likes this; this calm and quiet that was unbearable with Dean and nonexistent with Logan is comforting with Jess. It always has been.

"Can we just... stay here?"

"Luke will wonder where I am," he tells her.

"He knows you're with me," Rory offers.

Jess nods, and looks back down at the water.

It's after closing when Jess enters the diner. He is surprisingly calm, carrying leftover cheerfulness lent to him by Rory. She was so careful around him today, treading softly and acting kind. If she had been trying to get him to feel better, even if only for a little while, it had worked.

Luke stands behind the counter, going over the day's receipts. He looks up when Jess comes in, and nods in acknowledgment, mumbling a greeting. Jess saunters over to where his uncle stands, prepared to give an explanation for his whereabouts. Before he can get a word out, however, Luke hands him a list.

"Instructions are under the numbers," Luke explains.

"Oh. Thanks." Jess makes an abrupt about-face and heads for the staircase.

"Jess," Luke calls. His nephew turns with a hand on already on the curtain, ready to disappear.

"Those guys can be a pain in the ass. Give 'em some hell and they'll cave."

Jess gives a curt nod, and ascends the staircase.


End file.
